Despite his formidable image, the leader of the peoples of the USSR had a rather sharp sense of humor. We have collected the best jokes of Stalin

1. About cars


Stalin near his car Soviet production

During the development of the automobile “Pobeda” was planned that the name of the machine will be “homeland”. Learning about this, Stalin ironically asked: “How much will the homeland cost?”The name of the car was immediately changed.

2. About the guard

Stalin’s Guards

From the memoirs of one of the guards Stalin A. Rybina. Stalin’s trips were often accompanied by a guard named Tukov. He sat in the front seat next to the driver and often slept on the way. One of the members of the Politburo, riding with Stalin in the back seat, noticed: – Comrade Stalin, I do not understand which of you guards whom? – What,– said Stalin, – he has me his gun stuck in his cloak – take, just in case!

3. About love

Soviet actress Valentina Serova

Once Stalin was reported that Marshal Rokossovsky appeared mistress and it is — a famous beauty-actress Valentina Serova. What will we do with them now? Stalin took the pipe from his mouth, a little thought and said: — What we will, what we will … we will envy!

4. About import substitution

Stalin and his colleagues in a country house, 1936.

Stalin went With the first Secretary of the Central Committee of Georgia AI Mgeladze along the alleys of Kuntsevo dacha and treated him to lemons, which he grew in his lemonade: – Try it, here, near Moscow, rose! And so several times, between conversations on other topics: – Try it, good lemons! Finally the interlocutor overshadowed: – Comrade Stalin, I promise you that in seven years Georgia will provide the country with lemons, and we will not import them from abroad. – Thank God, guessed it! Stalin said.

5. About the merits

Grab gun 76 mm

The designer of artillery systems V. G. Grabin told me that on the eve of 1942, Stalin invited him and said: – Your gun saved Russia. Do you want a Hero of Socialist Labor or a Stalin prize? – I don’t care, comrade Stalin. Gave and the, and another. 6. About boasting

Stalin and Bagromyan. Posters of the USSR

During the war, the troops under Baghramyan’s command were the first to reach the Baltic sea. To present this event pathetically, the Armenian General personally poured water into the bottle from the Baltic sea and ordered his adjutant to fly with this bottle to Moscow to Stalin. He flew. But while he was flying, the Germans counterattacked and threw Baghramyan from the Baltic coast. By the time of arrival of the adjutant in Moscow were already aware of this, and the adjutant did not know — in the plane radio was not. And the proud adjutant enters Stalin’s office and proclaims pathetically: — Comrade Stalin, General Bagramyan sends You the water of the Baltic sea! Stalin takes the bottle, a few seconds turns it in his hands, and then gives back to the adjutant and says: – Give it back to Baghramyan, tell him to pour it where he took it.

7. About the most important of arts

Stalin jokes

In 1939 we watched “the Train goes to the East”. Film – not so hot what: train rides, stops… – What station is that? Stalin asked. – Dem’ianivka. “Here I go,” said Stalin, and left the hall.

8. Knowledge of the measure

Stalin smiles

The candidacy for the post of Minister of coal industry was discussed. Offered the Director of one of the Zasyadko mine. Someone objected.: – All right, but he’s been drinking too much! “Invite him to me,” Stalin said. Came Zasyadko. Stalin began to talk to him and offered him a drink. – With pleasure– – Zasyadko told, poured a glass of vodka: – For your health, comrade Stalin! – he drank and continued the conversation. Stalin drank little and, watching carefully, offered by the latter. Zasyadko-drank a second glass, and showed no signs of alcohol intoxication. Stalin suggested the third, but his interlocutor pushed his glass aside and said: – Zasyadko measure knows. Talked. At the meeting of the Politburo, when the question of the candidacy of the Minister arose again, and again it was announced about the abuse of alcohol by the proposed candidate, Stalin, walking with a tube, said: – Zasyadko measure knows! And for many years Zasyadko headed our coal industry…

9. Of the nerve

Stalin and Voroshilov on the mausoleum. Moscow

One Colonel-General reported to Stalin on the situation. The commander-in-chief looked very pleased and nodded twice. After the report, the commander hesitated. Stalin asked, ” is there anything else you want to say?» “Yes, I have a personal question. In Germany, I took some things I was interested in, but they were detained at the checkpoint. If possible, I would ask for them back to me.” “It can. Write a report, I will impose a resolution.” Colonel-General pulled out of his pocket a pre-prepared report. Stalin imposed a resolution. The petitioner began to thank fervently. “Do not be grateful,” said Stalin. Having read the resolution written on the report: “to Return to the Colonel his stuff. I. Stalin”, General addressed to the Supreme: “here a typo, comrade Stalin. I am not a Colonel, but a Colonel-General.” “No, it’s all right, comrade Colonel,” Stalin replied.

10. About employee requirements

Artist Puzirkov “I. V. Stalin on the cruiser “Molotov””. 1949

  Admiral Isakov in 1938 he was Deputy people’s Commissar of the Navy. One day in 1946, he called Stalin and said that it is believed to appoint him chief of the naval staff, in that year renamed the main headquarters of the Navy. Isakov said: “Comrade Stalin, I must report that I have a serious drawback: one leg is amputated.” “This is the only drawback that you consider necessary to report?”– followed by a question. “Yes,” confirmed the Admiral. “We used to have a headless chief of staff. Nothing, worked. You only have no feet – it’s not terrible, ” Stalin concluded.

11. On corruption

After the war, Stalin learned that Professor K. built an expensive country house near Moscow. He called him in and asked, ” Is it true that you have built yourself a huge expensive country house?!”— “The truth, comrade Stalin,” replied the Professor. “Thank you very much from the orphanage, which you gave this country house,” — said Stalin and sent him to teach in Novosibirsk.

12. About foreign press

Stalin in his office

In the autumn of 1936, a rumor spread in the West that Joseph Stalin died from a serious illness. Charles Nitter, a correspondent for the associated Press news Agency, decided to get information from the most reliable source. He went to the Kremlin, where he gave Stalin a letter in which he asked to confirm or deny this rumor. Stalin replied the journalist immediately: “dear sir! As far as I know from the reports of the foreign press, I have long since left this sinful world and moved to the other world. Since the reports of the foreign press can not be treated with confidence, if you do not want to be removed from the list of civilized people, then please believe these reports and do not disturb my peace in the silence of the other world. October 26, 1936. With respect Stalin”.

13. About heraldry

  As a foreign correspondent asked Stalin: – Why is mount Ararat depicted on the emblem of Armenia, because it is not on the territory of Armenia? Stalin replied: – The emblem of the Turkish Crescent, and he, too, is not on the territory of Turkey.

14. About regulations

Artist Shurpin (Russia, 1904 – 1972) “Morning of our Motherland” 1949

  The people’s Commissar of agriculture of Ukraine called on the Politburo, he asked: – How should I report: briefly or in detail? – As want, can short, can detail, but three minutes of regulation, – said Stalin.

15. About Opera and theatre

Artist Reshetnikov (Russia, 1906 – 1988) “Generalissimo I. V. Stalin” 1948

At the Bolshoi theatre they prepared a new production of Glinka’s Opera Ivan Susanin. Listened to members of the Commission headed by the Chairman Bolshakov and decided that it is necessary to clean the final ” be famous, the Russian people!”: Church, Patriarchal … it seemed to some listeners incorrect in the atheistic society of the USSR. Reported To Stalin. “And we will arrive on another: we will leave the ending, and we will remove Bolshakov.»

16. About priorities

Artist Malkov “a healthy toast to the Russian people may 24, 1945” 1949

When they decided what to do with the German Navy, Stalin proposed to divide, and Churchill made a counteroffer: “Flood”. Stalin replied:”You can sink your half of the fleet.”

17. About aliases

Artist Efanov “I. V. Stalin and V. M. Molotov with children,” 1947

Stalin came to the play at the hood. theatre. He was met by Stanislavsky and, reaching out his hand said: “Alekseev”, calling his real name. “Dzhugashvili,” Stalin replied, shaking his hand and walked to his chair.

18. About ambitions

Artist Aladzhalov (Alcalan) “Portrait of I. V. Stalin in dress uniform»

Harriman at the Potsdam conference asked Stalin: “After the Germans in 1941 was 18 km. from Moscow, perhaps, you are now pleased to share defeated Berlin?» “Tsar Alexander reached Paris,” Stalin replied.

19. About weather forecasts

Stalin asked meteorologists what percentage of the accuracy of forecasts they had. – Forty percent, comrade Stalin. – And you say the opposite, and then you will have sixty percent.

Artist Svarog “Stalin’s Report on the adoption of the Constitution of 1936” 1938

20. About diligence

Artist Gerasimov, “Portrait Of I. V. Stalin»

During the war, Stalin instructed Baybakov to open new oil fields. When Baibakov objected that it was impossible, Stalin replied: – Will oil be Baybakov, there is no oil, will not Baybakov! Soon deposits were discovered in Tatarstan and Bashkiria.